Some Notes on Notes

I'm going through a box of undergraduate notes right now. For some reason I felt the need to save notes from every class I took. All of my biology, chemistry, physics, psych, calculus, and bible notes are in there. When I threw out most of my med school notes a few weeks ago I didn't have as much nostalgia. I've been reading through my undergrad notes and see evidence of the budding relationship between me and my wife, inside jokes between friends, birthday wishes written down, quotes from my favorite teachers, and grades both excellent and horrifying. My wife and I sat together in several classes we had and I'm amazed at how much we wrote in each other's notebooks back and forth. I've found doodles of whatever I was occupied with at the time: hacky sack, politics, etc. My friends would write in my notebook when it was my birthday and leave me notes calling me "fatty" and "peter pan", nicknames I had from different people at the time. It makes me appreciate how much time and effort my professors put into teaching us and cultivating a relationship with us when I see quotes from their classes written down. There are classes I should have gotten A's in that I somehow managed to get B's in. There are classes like Dr. G's Plant Biology where I needed to ace the final to get an A in the class, and I studied like a fiend to get the highest grade in the class and get the A. Dr. G knew how to make a hard test. I'm amazed at how much I've remembered and how much I've forgotten. I look at my calculus notebooks and it looks like they are in a foreign language. I look at organic and can't remember the names of the reactions but somehow it looks familiar like I could figure it out again. Well, that's enough reminiscing, back to throwing away some of my old stuff, or maybe not.

Graduation and Why I Still Don't Know Anything

So, after today I'm officially a doctor. It's kind of a surreal feeling. We were gowned, robed, tasseled and handed a diploma. I guess it's like a birthday. You get gifts, you take pictures, maybe feel a sense of pride but don't feel very different on the inside. I've worked toward this goal for at least 4 years of medical school, but also my whole life. In some ways, I guess, I've wanted to be a doctor since my mom got me my first play stethoscope and doctor bag that I used to give her a "check-up" after she gave birth to my sister. Earlier I said: After four years of high school I though I knew everything, after four years of college, I thought I knew something, after four years of medical school, I feel like I don't know anything. I suppose that's just part of this whole educational journey thing. "It's a journey not a destination." That applies to learning medicine as much as anything else. One of the pieces of advice every physician offers us is to "never stop learning". So as I embark on this next four year voyage (that seems to be the general cycle) I'm left with a profound sense of dread about how much I don't know and how much I have left to learn. They say learning the amount of material in medical school is like trying to take a sip from a fire hydrant. Sorry this post has been mainly stream-of-consciousness; I'm too tired to finish this post so maybe I'll write more later. But I couldn't have gotten here without my parents, wife, family and church family, so as you congratulate me right back at you. I couldn't have done it without any of you. Thanks everyone!

Why Med-Peds?

I thought I would explain some of my reasons for going into med-peds. For those that I haven't explained it to, Med-peds is a 4 year residency which is a combination of 2 years of pediatrics and 2 years of adult internal medicine. Those programs alone would be 3 years each.

Originally I thought I would be going into surgery when I started med school. I was really intrigued by laparoscopic surgery and even during med school I thought it was fascinating. But then, one day I cut my finger while making jerky and my Uncle Kerry made fun of "the surgeon". Just kidding, that wasn't why I decided differently. Also, I figured I might hate life if I had to go through the 5 grueling years of surgery residency. I rediscovered something I always knew. I get along well with kids. I love taking care of kids, even sick ones, which can be scary and emotionally trying at times. Multiple times my friends and neighbors would tell me I should be a pediatrician, but I always just kind of put it in the back of my mind for later. I also discovered I loved internal medicine. Some of my most gracious and respectful patients were old men at the VA. They thank you profusely for everything you do for them; I hate waking them up in the morning to exam them. Some of the hardest patients that test your patience are at the MED, the county hospital in Memphis. These people need love and healing as much as the next person because they are made in the image of God. I figure the average patient lies somewhere in between. 

One of my favorite things to study is the digestive tract, and maybe it's because I have Crohn's and I spent time at the Peds Gastroenterologist when I was younger, but I could definitely see myself as a gastroenterologist. I fellowship, or additional training after residency in Peds Gastro would be another 3 years. I also considered the possibility of doing a combined fellowship which would add even more years to my training.

The other, more serious reason I wanted to do Med-peds is because I want to do medical mission work. I don't know if this means short term missions or extended years away from home. So, I'm left wondering should I stop after residency and see where God sends me or continue training in fellowship. Do I settle down as a country doctor doing primary care or give away all my possessions and go into the world? I also have to take into account what my wife wants to do permanently, although I know she wants to do medical mission work as much as I do. I have much prayer left to do and a few years to make a decision. Pray that I have patience as the great physician works in me.